National Nitwit

Left: Bresling demonstrating why he is no longer master of hand-to-gland combat

(Toledo, OH) Tim Bresling, a local genital manipulator, said that the fractured metacarpals on his right hand will not slow his passion for masturbation.

“I’ve been through worse, like the time I stuck my hand in the deep fryer at work,” he said, holding up his plastered monkey-spanker. “While left-handed meat-beating leaves a bit to be desired, my masturbatory ambidexterity leaves me in a position where I can continue chicken choking unabated.”

Bresling said that he has attached a heavy-duty clamp to the cast for holding up porno magazines.

“In some ways, this is better, because I sometimes drop my copy of Juggs when I pass out during auto-erotic maneuvers,” he said, demonstrating the holding power of the clamp for Toledo Tales reporters. “Although, truth be told, the clamp does put an annoying crease across the forehead of the chick in the centerfold when I am schpanken der planken.”

Left: Friends don't let friends try one-handed online porn

Masturbating to online porn, said Bresling, remains a “logistical challenge,” but he vowed to continue spending plenty of time with his purple-headed custard chucker.

“I smashed my mouse the first time I tried to open multiple browsers while milking my lizard at the ‘Naughty Nannies’ website,” he admitted. “And, let’s face it – those 10-second free movie clips are a real hassle to jump between with two good hands, let alone with a mangled pole-puller. Still, I will never back down in the face of adversity, and I will live to drain the monster another day.”