National Nitwit

By Billy Pilgrim, National Nitwit Rogue Editor

Castro: A lifelong O’s fan, or the next Jim Leyland?

(Baltimore, MD)—While gossip abounds concerning the health of octogenarian dictator Fidel Castro, it now appears his complaints of intestinal bleeding are merely a ruse: the fierce Cuban leader has accepted an unprecedented $43 million deal to coach the Baltimore Orioles out of the gutter and back to a point of contention in the American League East.

Castro, who has always been a baseball fanatic—and was rumored to have tried out for the Washington Senators in the 1940s—seems ecstatic about his new position.

“The Orioles have an outstanding legacy of sportsmanship, talent, and dedication that is unprecedented in the majors,” Castro boasted in an exclusive phone interview with the National Nitwit. “That ’83 World Series was just spectacular. Sadly, they suck monkey balls this year. I’m here to change all that.”

With the O’s trailing division rivals such as the Boston Red Sox and New York Yankees by a staggering 15.5 games, it seems the organization is willing to try anything to initiate a culture of winning.

“Obviously Castro won’t be sitting with the guys in the dugout. Some nutjob would shoot him by week’s end,” remarked controversial team owner Peter Angelos. “But we’re currently working on satellite feeds so he can coach virtually in real-time.”

Angelos also dismissed concerns about Castro’s allegiances, given his five decades as an unrepentant Communist autocrat and critic of America.

“Baseball is, at its very core, a Communist game,” Angelos philosophically quipped. “These guys sweat together, they bleed together, and with the help of Fidel Castro, our hope is they’ll now win together as well.”