National Nitwit

By Billy Pilgrim, National Nitwit Rogue Editor

(Los Angeles, CA)—Christina Aguilera, the sultry diva whose evolving sense of style transcends categorization, was named the "Nastiest Slut in Recorded History" by an international body of historians and sex experts earlier this morning.

Aguilera also picked up awards for "Skankiest Skeezer" and "Raunchiest Hoe-Bag" by the International Association of Tasteless Entertainment and Horrific Entertainers Researchers (IATEHER).

By most accounts, this is an even more impressive feat since Aguilera, 25, is currently married, claims a blissful monogamy, and will likely encounter some stiff competition from her contemporaries in the coming months.

“I am profoundly humbled by this recent honor,” Aguilera remarked while trying on a pair of hip-huggers in a Hollister dressing room. “All those years of blowing record executives while whacked out on paint thinner have finally paid off. Do these make my ass look fat?”

Her new album, Back to Basics, has been panned by many music critics as a tired pastiche of big-band era jazz, with trite lyrics and a myopic egocentrism that meditates on little other than the singer’s own image in the press.

Left: Back to Basics is dripping with everything you'd never want to catch

But despite the criticism, Aguilera is confident that her music is a complex, intricate form of artistic expression, and her newfound status as the world’s sluttiest slut will allow young women to celebrate their femininity without fear of reproach.

“America has always felt threatened by a bubbly, scantily-clad singer with the I.Q. of a mouse turd,” Aguilera reflected. “But I go out there, make records, and sweat out my soul for an hour and nine minutes every time I play a concert. The haters are simply jealous.”