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Elvis Wins Intergalactic Poker Tourney on Mervort-4

Elvis Presley, the King By Billy Pilgrim, National Nitwit Rogue Editor

Left: Still the King, albeit in more of an quantum sense

(Mervort-4, Seyfert Galaxy M77)—Elvis Presley, the undisputed King of Rock and Roll, won an intergalactic charity poker tournament on Mervort-4 last week with a low straight, thus solidifying his reputation as a tireless artist dedicated to the betterment of those in need.

Presley sounded exhausted but grateful in his exclusive interview with the National Nitwit.

“Man, that last round was tougher than a week-old peanut butter and banana sandwich,” the King humbly remarked. “But the whole time, I just kept thinkin’ about the charity money. Damn shame how many Mervortian kids are dyin’ from hiccups. And I feel bad, too, since I brought the hiccups here back in ’98.”

Low straight hand in poker Left: Holodex recreation of the winning hand of Elvis

Contrary to popular belief, Presley did not die on August 16, 1977, but instead faked his own death in order to travel the galaxy with some degree of anonymity. His current residence, “Graceland XXXIV,” is on Mervort-4, a planet approximately 60 million light-years from our own Milky Way.

And while Presley still performs a few dozen concerts each year, he remains fervently dedicated to his charity since it allows him to help those less fortunate.

“It reminds me of my mama, Billy, when I can make one of these green fellers smile,” Presley crooned in his thick Mississippi drawl. “I’ve been blessed my whole life, and now I can give something back to fight disease across this ol’ universe. I do miss cheeseburgers, though. Goddamn, how I miss those cheeseburgers."

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