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8/08/2006

Kiss to Launch Own Line of Feminine Hygiene Products

Rock band KISSBy Billy Pilgrim, National Nitwit Rogue Editor

Left: Kiss - Sex, drugs, and…vaginal freshness?

(Los Angeles, CA)—Veteran rockers Kiss, who are renowned for their exorbitant stage antics and tireless marketing of fan memorabilia, announced their plans to unveil a unique line of feminine hygiene products by summer’s end during a press conference early this morning.

Tentatively named Kist ©, the line of deodorant sprays, personal lubricants, and misting lotions are accompanied by the campaign slogan “Rock Your Bottom”—an overt reference to their hit “Rock Bottom” on 1975’s Dressed to Kill.

“We felt this was the next logical step,” remarked Gene Simmons, Kiss’s notoriously long-tongued bassist. “After the Kiss mouse pads, Kiss alarm clocks, Kiss paper towels and Kiss boxer briefs, we felt we needed a line of products that bespoke integrity and quality. Kist © does all that and more.”

Rock band KISS frisbeeLeft: The former nadir of KISS's commercial exploitation

Simmons—whose new reality show Family Jewels airs Monday nights on A&E—has been accused of shameless self-promotion, and many fans feel this new line of products continues to cheapen a once-hallowed music legacy.

“Man, these guys would sell their own mothers if they could,” huffed Vic Cooper, a Detroit native and lifelong fan. “I knew shit was bad when they started making ‘Kiss: The Novelty Flying Disc,’ but this snatch deodorant crosses a line in the sand. These fuckers are dead to me now.”

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