National Nitwit

(Washington, DC) As more of America's corporate oil tycoons are growing fatter, the physical education curriculum that might help them win the fight is gasping for air.

The 2006 Shape of the Nation - jointly conducted by the American Heart Association and the National Association for Sport and Physical Education - concluded that most states are failing to provide oil executives with adequate physical education requirements to offset tax breaks they have received.

"With the oil exec obesity rates going up and it's right in our face, why are we cutting capital gains taxes? I don't get it," said Chevron spokesman Don Campbell. "The added profit just makes these fat cats even lazier."

Critics contend that the very legislation meant to bolster national petroleum corporaton health - the No Oilman Left Behind Act of 2001 - may be a primary culprit.

"We acknowledge that while the goals of these tax initiatives - NOLB included - are good, our position is that this is not an either/or situation. We should expect both from our oil executives: physical activity and high financial achievement," said Campbell. "It is time for the President to recommend that hefty lardasses like Lee Raymond hit the treadmill."

Left: Lee Raymond, portly poster child of NOLB's failings


Craig Stevens, a spokesman for Energy Secretary Samuel Bodman, defended the NOLB's requirements.

"I think you have to look at many other factors when you look at obesity," he said. "To put the blame on a program that cuts capital gains is absurd. It tends to be an excuse, but it is a poor one. Many of these executives were fleshy, doughnut-huffing liposuction candidates long before NOLB."