National Nitwit

Left: Phelps is "downright disappointed"

(Hollywood, CA) Porno producer Fred Phelps knows that the key to a successful low-budget skin flick is tying into an existing Hollywood blockbuster.

"We rushed out Star Whores in two weeks to piggyback on the Episode III traffic," said the grizzled sex veteran. "And Passion of the Tryst was a big seller for us, too, especially with the deep-throating actress for Mary Magdalene we discovered."

Phelps has been disappointed, however, with his latest cheap knockoff, Snakes In My Shorts, which plays off the title of the new thriller Snakes on a Plane.

"We even spent a little extra to sign [male porn star] Barry Bigguns, but the film is dead on arrival," he said, looking across the room at the filming of a hardcore scene. "It looked like a winner during the brainstorming session, but this film fell flatter than third-grader's chest."

Left: Promotional poster for Snakes In My Shorts

Phelps, who also moonlights as a Baptist minister, said that he's concerned he may have lost his touch in picking provocative titles for his films.

"Been in this business forty years, and maybe it's time to get out," he mused, glancing at a snowballing scene across the room. "Even adding a Dirty Sanchez at the end of Snakes In My Shorts didn't get the test audiences going. Fuck it."