National Nitwit

By Billy Pilgrim, National Nitwit Rogue Editor

(Los Angeles, CA)—The disembodied spirit of Marlon Brando, one of the most iconic American actors of the 20th century, appeared before a startled dinner crowd yesterday evening at an Olive Garden restaurant near Hollywood, insisting the wait staff serve him a smorgasbord of premier Italian entrees.

And despite their rigorous training and inculcated professionalism, the Olive Garden staff workers were visibly shaken by the experience.

“Mickey Rourke wandered in here drunk last November, but this was like, on a whole different level,” remarked line cook Shaun Whirling, 19. “I thought someone had slipped me a hit of acid at first, but there he was: the Godfather, barking orders for seventeen platters of veal parmesan.”

Other employees corroborated Whirling’s uneasy assessment of Brando’s mystical emergence.

“That dead motherfucker pinched my ass,” huffed Bianca “Fay-Fay” Alvarez, 21, one of the restaurant’s most esteemed servers. “I don’t care how cute he be back in 1840 or whatever—that shit is gross. I don’t need no dead-ass hands on me.”

Left: Endless soup, salad, and breadsticks bought the servers some time

Thankfully, Brando’s materialization ended as quickly as it began, with little fanfare or disturbance.

“He certainly calmed down after that fifth plate of sirloin tips,” revealed Jim Florentine, 33, assistant manager. “I just hope he makes a reservation next time. That fat bastard’s soul backed our kitchen up for two hours. If there was a secret shopper in attendance that night, we’re all out of a job.”