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Crackhead Commemorates 9/11 by Getting High, Stealing Your TV

Crackhead Left: Local resident "Tweaky"

(Toledo, OH) Local crack cocaine afficianado "Tweaky" Williams was among tens of millions of Americans who used the fifth anniversary of the attacks of September 11, 2001 to remember the victims.

"Oh yeah - that," mumbled Williams between hits on the crack pipe. "That was some bad shit, alright. Like, a hundred people died or something, right? Wait a minute - is there someone on my front porch?"

The day was marked with quiet observances at the three attack sites — New York, Washington, Pennsylvania — as well as other cities and small towns. Williams spent most of the day commemorating the event in the back of his garage.

"It's pretty hard for the neighbors or the cops to see me in here," he said, scratching at imaginary bugs. "Did you just hear something out back? Maybe it was the wind, but maybe not. Got a cigarette?"

Old garage Left: Site of Williams's 9/11 festivities

Williams also used the anniversary of 9/11 to steal your television set, conveniently located next to an open window.

"Sorry about that, man," he said, asking National Nitwit reporters to convey his regrets. "But I was out of rock, and the $50 I got from your Toshiba projection TV is going to carry me through at least 5:00 today. Hey - anybody got $20 I can borrow? My kid needs...uh... a heart transplant."

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