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Inmate "Embarassed" Over Rectal Gun-Smuggling Caper

Xray of smuggled handgunLeft: X-ray of Bardus and smuggled handgun

(Ashland, KY) Federal prison officials were "surprised" when a metal detector went off as incoming inmate Robert "Weezy" Bardus entered the Federal Correctional Institution (FCI) at Ashland Thursday morning.

A closer search of the inmate found that Bardus had a .44 caliber Desert Eagle handgun inserted in his rectum.

Worse yet for Bardus, the firearm had to be surgically removed. Contacted by National Nitwit, the sheepish inmate expressed embarassment over his dilemma.

"A guy gave me $100 to smuggle in the gun, and all was cool until the transport van hit a pothole," he said from his infirmary bed. "I realized then that I had a major problem."

Image of surgical procedure to remove handgun from anus Left: Artist's recreation of procedure to remove handgun

The gun removal surgery took about 90 minutes, according to prison officials, who described the procedure as "similar to an episiotomy."

Bardus said that he had "never experienced so much pain" as when the handgun became lodged in his rectum during the bumpy ride.

"I've been in prison before, so I am no stranger to unusual sexual practices," he acknowledged. "But at that moment I became convinced that, if there is a God, He is one mean son of a bitch."

Apparently, "conventional beliefs about prison rape are questionable", as in it very rarely happens. You're perpetuating a false meme, dude.
1. It's satire, numbnuts.

2. No one even said anything about prison rape. The interviewee clearly stated "unusual sexual practices." Turning your own PC argument around, do you then equate rape with sex?

3. Finally, sex happens all the time in prison, just as it does outside prison walls. When a woman is unavailable, many incarcerated men turn to the next available option.
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