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9/21/2006

Man "Praying" that His Diarrhea is Related to E. coli

Left: Phillipart hopes his ship has come in

(Kansas City, MO) Steve Phillipart said that he has waited "a long time for opportunity to come a-knocking," and his moment may have arrived in the form of a bad case of diarrhea.

"When Agent Brown first hit me last Friday, I was pretty down. At least until I saw all of those E. coli-bagged spinach news stories," he said, crossing his legs. "Then I remembered I ate spinach last week, and I scooted my loose bowels over to the emergency room to get some tests done. If this comes back E. coli 0157:H7, I will have hit the rectal lottery."

Phillipart said that his week-long "chocolate splat" will have been "most worthwhile."

"I figure it ought to be worth at least five grand for every day I've had the butt gravy," he said, shifting his feet. "I must have shit a flock of sparrows by Monday night, and since then I've been cooking up 5-6 batches of trouser chili a day. Christ, I'm worn out."

Left: Microscopic tickets to Easy Street

Least sympathetic to his plight has been "the little woman," said Phillipart.

"She threatened to shove a cork in me if I splattered any more brownie batter on the inside of the toilet," he replied, beads of sweat beginning to glisten on his forehead. "Listen - I'd love to keep to chatting about this, but I'm way overdue to let out a gallon of supersonic sewer sauce. Gotta run. Heh - that's a funny one."

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