National Nitwit

A National Nitwit guest editorial by Kevin Showalter, Esquire

Laura, I know that you are going through a lot now, what with being pregnant and all. Carrying around our unborn baby must be an awful lot of work.

That being said, I must inform you that none of the other guys have to always go to the obstetrician’s office.

In fact, given the fact that this is the beginning of the college football season, I might add that your insistence on me going with you this appointment construes an unreasonable burden on me. As someone fresh out of law school, I know about these things.

Sorry, how’s that? “Whose idea was it to have sex in the back seat of the Accura six months ago?” Whoa, low blow! It takes two to tango, and I figured that you wear the diaphragm all the time.

Like I should know it’s removable. As you wouldn't know, since I'm the lawyer here, the California Court of Appeals, First District, in reviewing California law, held that the prior knowledge exclusion in a claims-made professional liability case does not apply, ergo, by default, you should have made sure I was apprised of the relevant parameters, and therefore should have told me to pull out.

Yes, I know we live in New Jersey. I am citing precedent.

Look – I am going to be there in the delivery room, and it’s not like I’m trying to play baby daddy with you. I just don’t think it is right that I have to sit here reading tattered copies of Parents Magazine when there’s a good game on television, that’s all.

No, I was not staring at that woman's large breasts while she nursed her baby. I was familiarizing myself with the process of breastfeeding, if you must know.

Left: Do not trifle with me, woman!

I should also tell you that, among my peer group, I am beginning to be seen as a bit of an effeminate joke. While Josh, Dave, and the gang know that pregnant women are definitely of the “handle with care” variety, there comes a point when a man’s got to put his foot down and wear the pants in a family, or be written off as “pussy-whipped.”

What’s that? “Wha-pisssssssh?” Is that supposed to reference some kind of 'whipped' joke? If so, please be advised that your efforts at humor fall flat, and may constitute either an ongoing form of harassment or libel. In both cases I strongly urge you to cease and desist.

Oh, really. So it’s “time to go,” is it? Let me say that this has not been time productively spent, and that I will really have to reassess if your future appointments will be in the presence of my company or not. And yes, I’ll paint the baby’s room when we get home.