.comment-link {margin-left:.6em;}

9/22/2006

Use of Cocaine Helps Teen Rediscover Her 'Thinking Cap'

Teen girl snorting cocaineBy Billy Pilgrim, National Nitwit Rogue Editor

(Los Angeles) Penelope Carter, 17, is a dedicated student and athlete. In fact, she spends so much of her time cramming for the SATs, honing her field hockey skills, and querying local universities for scholarships that she has nearly lost her imagination.

However, this all changed a few weeks ago when she discovered cocaine, which has allowed Carter to rediscover her ‘thinking cap,’ an affectionate term for creativity she learned years ago in elementary school.

“Man I remember when Mr. Richardson taught us about ‘thinking caps’ in first grade,” Carter reflected. “Until last month it felt like forever since I’d had an original thought—hey, do you like ice cream? I fucking love ice cream let’s get some ice cream and then cover it with sprinkles and smear it on my cat. Oh my god that’s hilarious let’s GO!”

Carter has also reduced the amount of time she spends studying at night with the help of her newfound narcotic, thus unlocking the true artist within.

“I read my geometry textbook three times last night cover to cover,” Carter revealed. “And it only took 19 minutes. And then I did some jumping jacks and painted a yellow pony on my bedroom wall and ran around the block. Do you know anything about Pythagoras because I could tell you lots.”

Pile of cocaine And while many of Carter’s close friends are concerned about her rampant consumption of Bolivian marching powder, only time will tell if the drug will have a detrimental impact on her health.

“My nose? Oh, my nose is fine and this stuff is just like candy!” Carter assured her concerned acquaintances. “Hey I’m gonna watch a few Robin Williams DVDs he is so funny I love how he makes weird faces and is totally on my level why don’t you go make some popcorn but first call Rodrigo cuz we're LOW ON BLOW, JOE!”

Comments:
Honey... that stuff is the most insidious drug there is. You'd better watch out-- it'll creep on you 'til it rules your whole life. Take it from one who's been there. If I had all the money I wasted on that shit -- I'd be retired and wealthy.
 
Not bad. Love the Robin Williams reference.
 
Post a Comment



<< Home
Copyright 2007, National Nitwit ® . Unauthorized duplication prohibited, but feel free to link away. This is a satirical newspaper, and many of these stories are fictional. You have to guess which ones are faked. National Nitwit ® uses invented names in its stories, except when public figures are being satirized, or when we post a real story. Any other use of real names is accidental and coincidental. Subcomandante Bob once got jiggy with your mom, and she does things in bed that would shock you, dude. The content of this website is the property of National Nitwit ® and its authors, and may not be reprinted or retransmitted in whole or in part without the expressed written consent of the publisher. National Nitwit® is not designed for readers under 18 years of age. FAIR USE NOTICE: This site contains copyrighted material the use of which has not always been specifically authorized by the copyright owner. We are making such material available in our efforts to advance understanding of environmental, political, human rights, economic, democracy, scientific, and social justice issues, sustainable development, environmental, community and worker health, democracy, public disclosure, corporate accountability, and social justice issues, mostly because hot college women are also interested in the same issues. Go figure. Anyways, we believe this constitutes a "fair use" of any such copyrighted material as provided for in section 107 of the US Copyright Law. In accordance with Title 17 U.S.C. Section 107, the material on this site is distributed without fee or payment of any kind to those who have expressed a prior interest in receiving the included information for research and educational purposes, except when you are using it to get laid. If you wish to use copyrighted material from this site for purposes of your own that go beyond 'fair use', you must obtain permission from the copyright owner.

This page is powered by Blogger. Isn't yours?