National Nitwit

By Billy Pilgrim, National Nitwit Rogue Editor

(Los Angeles) Penelope Carter, 17, is a dedicated student and athlete. In fact, she spends so much of her time cramming for the SATs, honing her field hockey skills, and querying local universities for scholarships that she has nearly lost her imagination.

However, this all changed a few weeks ago when she discovered cocaine, which has allowed Carter to rediscover her ‘thinking cap,’ an affectionate term for creativity she learned years ago in elementary school.

“Man I remember when Mr. Richardson taught us about ‘thinking caps’ in first grade,” Carter reflected. “Until last month it felt like forever since I’d had an original thought—hey, do you like ice cream? I fucking love ice cream let’s get some ice cream and then cover it with sprinkles and smear it on my cat. Oh my god that’s hilarious let’s GO!”

Carter has also reduced the amount of time she spends studying at night with the help of her newfound narcotic, thus unlocking the true artist within.

“I read my geometry textbook three times last night cover to cover,” Carter revealed. “And it only took 19 minutes. And then I did some jumping jacks and painted a yellow pony on my bedroom wall and ran around the block. Do you know anything about Pythagoras because I could tell you lots.”

And while many of Carter’s close friends are concerned about her rampant consumption of Bolivian marching powder, only time will tell if the drug will have a detrimental impact on her health.

“My nose? Oh, my nose is fine and this stuff is just like candy!” Carter assured her concerned acquaintances. “Hey I’m gonna watch a few Robin Williams DVDs he is so funny I love how he makes weird faces and is totally on my level why don’t you go make some popcorn but first call Rodrigo cuz we're LOW ON BLOW, JOE!”