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10/01/2006

Bush Vows to Break Ground on First Shoney’s in Iraq

By Billy Pilgrim, National Nitwit Rogue Editor

(Washington, D.C.)—In one of Mr. Bush’s most vigorous and eloquent speeches of the year, the president made a heart-felt promise earlier this morning to U.S. servicemen in Iraq, vowing that they would have a functional Shoney’s restaurant by fall 2007.

The Shoney’s name is well known to those in the American South and Heartland, where the booming restaurant chain offers a diverse, reasonably-priced menu of home cooking entrees that come in massive portions.

And while some contend that Shoney’s is merely a second-rate Denny’s, or a Bob’s Big-Boy with a rural flair, the president stood firm in his commitment to enhancing the troops’ diet.

“You ask when the car bombings will end, when children can play safely in the streets of Baghdad, when the tide of Islamo-fascism will crest and recede,” the president remarked. “I got no clue. But as long as we remain a free people, by God, our boys will eat omelets and toast with their choice of any two delicious sides—that means bacon AND sausage.”

Left: The President’s answer to increased sectarian violence is increased cholesterol.

Most of the press corps on the White House lawn seemed eager to discuss this year’s midterm elections, but the president continued to outline his vision for the “Great Diner of Democracy.”

“There is no freedom without pancakes,” cajoled Mr. Bush as a light breeze wavered through his graying hair. “When our brave men and women in uniform awake, I want them to have the same choices we have here at home — Texas Toast, eggs over easy, biscuits with that little halo of cheddar melted on top. Man, I love those. Then they can enter the field of battle ready for the enemy, their bellies bloated with the larded liberty of a breakfast buffet.”

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