National Nitwit

By Billy Pilgrim, National Nitwit Rogue Editor

Left: Daly in all of his chubby-cheeked splendor

(Los Angeles, CA)—Nineties icon Carson Daly, whose last vestige of fame faded with rap-rock and WWJD bracelets, consumed a massive quantity of LSD earlier this afternoon to re-experience his oddball popularity from 1998, his first year of hosting Total Request Live.

Bystanders speculated that the former MTV VJ took the hallucinogenic substance because his current show—NBC’s “Last Call with Carson Daly”—has disturbingly abysmal ratings even for its 1:35 a.m. timeslot, and has been consistently outdone by infomercials, evangelical seminars, and the fuzzy-snow nothingness aired by competing networks.

“Holy shit man, are you Fred Durst?” asked a wide-eyed Daly to a homeless man beneath a lamppost in downtown Los Angeles. “Dude, we totally fucked something together. I don’t know what it was, but it was like, awesome. Toothpaste. Maybe it was toothpaste.”

Daly continued to engage passersby at random with his inane stream-of-consciousness dialogue.

“One time…man, one time I smeared dog food all over this groupie’s tits backstage at MTV’s Spring Break,” Daly revealed to a mailbox before surrendering to a close-eyed vision. “How was I supposed to know she was thirteen? Boy, were her parents pissed. We had to settle that shit out of court, but it was awesome.”

Left: Rogers "not impressed" with the tripping Daly

Pedestrians were struck with a mixture of sympathy and disgust at Daly’s verbal ejaculations.

“He kept calling me Tara Reid, and tried to tongue me outside Bart’s Bagels about a block from here,” huffed Felicity Rogers, 27, an L.A. paralegal who was enjoying the solace of her lunch break prior to Daly's unsolicited advance. “Somebody should call the SPCA or something. Lame-O former stars should, like, have their own version of the pound so we can euthanize them and move on.”