National Nitwit

By Billy Pilgrim, National Nitwit Rogue Editor

Left: Foley singing his own wanton song

(Washington, D.C.)—Mark Foley, the congressional representative from the 16th District of Florida who resigned last Friday amidst a whirlwind controversy, blamed his newly-revealed alcoholism and sexual indiscretions on legendary rockers Led Zeppelin earlier this morning.

Foley — who is accused of sending tawdry emails and instant messages to underage male pages — cited the raucous, larger-than-life personae of Led Zeppelin members for his licentious behavior.

“As a member of the Baby Boomer generation, I grew up idolizing rock stars that chronically abused alcohol and engaged in sexual promiscuity, often with minors,” Foley tearfully read from what is now viewed as his last public speech before entering rehab. “Led Zeppelin wielded massive influence on my unethical actions, and now that I am looking at some serious fucking jail time, I place the guilt squarely on their shoulders.”

Foley continued to assert his innocence while documenting Zeppelin’s “spiritual manipulation.”

“You people ever play ‘Stairway to Heaven’ backwards?” Foley pleaded, his voice ravaged by guilt. “It says TOUCH YOUNG BOYS. How was I to overcome that kind of persuasion? God knows I tried, but by the time Jimmy [Page] starts that goddamn solo, I’m back on the computer, begging 15 year-old boys to slather me with maple syrup and eat out my asshole.”

Zeppelin: Dazed and confused by Foley’s antics

But despite Foley’s heartfelt claims, the surviving members of Led Zeppelin offered their unequivocal denial of his allegations.

“The man’s sick, mate—simple as that,” remarked singer Robert Plant in an exclusive phone interview from his London flat. “If he had smoked an ounce of hash and stuck a mud shark in some girl’s fanny, then yeah — we're guilty as charged. As it stands? He’s off his bloody rocker.”