National Nitwit

(Springer Mountain, GA) Improper hiking etiquette was cited as the causative factor in a case of "trail rage" that left two hikers licking their wounds.

Police say Kevin Haggerty, of Poughkeepsie NY, attacked Kaylee Anderson and Justin Monroe, both of State College PA, after becoming angered at what Haggerty called "their utter and complete disregard for trail norms."

Contacted by National Nitwit, Haggerty tried to explain his outburst.

"At first I thought, hey - they're novices, cut them some slack," he said. "But when they pissed in the creek upstream from camp, I knew it was going to be a long trip."

The three were part of a larger group that set out from this Georgia town on the Appalachian trail. Haggerty said that one day was all that was necessary to wreck the trip.

"The bitch [Anderson] was dropping Reese's Pieces as she went along to 'mark her way back.' What kind of stupidity is that?" he asked. "What if an animal ate that chocolate? Then when I called her out about it, she sat there and cried, saying she just didn't know. Then I'm the bad guy all of a sudden."

The first - and last - night spent in their tents turned out to be climactic, said Haggerty.


"The idiots actually brought a TV set with them, and they were watching reruns on satellite of 'Friends' while the rest of us were trying to sleep," he said. "I opened their tent, grabbed the TV, and hurled it down a 300-foot gorge. That's when things got hairy."

Haggerty admitted "beating the two of them with a big-ass branch," but disputed the second-degree felonious assault charges levied against him.

"As far as I'm concerned, they just needed a lesson in trail justice," he said. There's no hidden code here!