National Nitwit

Left: Honest, candid, and fond of sweet young things

By Billy Pilgrim, National Nitwit Rogue Editor

(Toledo, OH) Toledo native Richard DeSouza, a grotesquely obese truck driver with several convictions for sexually molesting minors, officially announced his candidacy for the Presidency earlier this morning outside the Lucas County courthouse.

DeSouza, who is listed on numerous local and national sex offender registries, feels that his unique perspective as a self-proclaimed “lard-gut peder-ass” would help reform Washington and inject new energy into the Oval Office.

“How many more Republican scandals does America need before we put a premium on a man’s honesty,” DeSouza barked to passersby during his lunch break. “Am I a pervert? Yes. Am I a convicted felon? Yes. Can I eat four calzones in a single sitting? Yes. But damn it, folks, I can do better than Bush and all his Covert Commandos—it’s gonna be another 30 years before we know all the dastardly shit they’ve done on our watch.”

Left: DeSouza's campaign banner drives home his message

And while several Toledoans expressed their dire concern at DeSouza’s boisterous proclamations—not to mention his hazardous candidacy—a few locals found his creative rhetoric nothing short of refreshing.

“You know, that huge S.O.B. has a point,” remarked Monica Carter, a downtown hairdresser. “I mean, the thought of him anywhere near my little Becky makes me want to puke blood, but he couldn’t be any worse than Donny Rumsfeld. Didn’t that fucker shake Sadaam Hussein’s hand?”