National Nitwit

Left: Not to be denied

Despite recent setbacks, including the day you ripped into them for their loud car stereos in your driveway, a pair of local teens is "totally determined" to score with your teenage daughter.

"No doubt - she got it workin', and I aims to gets me some," said Tre Lowden, who lives in a part of town you've always told the kids to stay away from. "She, like, isn't a wannabe model, but she knows what a man needs, fo sho."

Tyler Oglivie, a member of Lowden's posse, described his "ultimate fantasy" involving your daughter.

"We did it in the kitchen, we did it in the hall," he rapped. "I got some on my fingers so I wiped it on the wall."

Lowden said that there is little you can do to combat the "madd threat."

"The only question is if me or Ty-Dogg is gonna be first," he chuckled. "Or if it will be a three-way with both of us going at it wit her. Either way, dis finese mama be ours, y'all."