National Nitwit

By Billy Pilgrim, National Nitwit Rogue Editor

Messner in the early stages of border fortification

(Beloit, WI)—Dave Messner, a 23-year-old computer programmer in the small village of Beloit, Wisconsin, has been “done wrong” more times than he can recall. And each time, the scenario is the same: he falls in love, a meaningful relationship blossoms, and then he is abruptly shipwrecked on the isle of sorrow.

That is why Messner made a stringent new vow to himself this week. Taking a cue from the Bush Administration’s proposal on Mexican immigration, Messner plans to build a wall around his heart, making it virtually impossible for him to ever be wounded again by a particularly destructive love affair.

“You many think I’m crazy, but there’s only 37 women in this town, and I’ve dated every decent looking chick here at least once,” Messner revealed while folding a pile of clean t-shirts on his bed. “I’m just sick of it, man. I’m sick of them telling me how creative I am, and then fucking some idiot used car salesman. Just call me 'Arizona' from here on in. I’m done with feeling.”

Messner explained that even though many of his friends see this move as melodramatic, it is the only logical remedy for his wounded spirit.

“Look — each one of these bitches was like…like a beaner storming the border of my heart,” Messner revealed. “This is the only solution. They’ll keep coming until every piece of me is laid to waste, like a broken tortilla chip in an ocean of nacho cheese.”

But unlike the Administration’s proposal, which will run 700 miles and cost American taxpayers nearly $2 billion, Messner is confident he can construct his wall without the benefit of federal funding or a massive taskforce.

“Last night I burned all of my baby pictures while listening to Pink Floyd,” Messner muttered, staring at the charred sepia of his youth in a corner wastebasket. “I saved my favorite pic of me with dad until ‘Comfortably Numb’ came on, and lit it up during the guitar solo. Now it’s just another brick in the wall.”