National Nitwit

By Billy Pilgrim, National Nitwit Rogue Editor

(Washington, D.C.)—A mere two days after a stern warning from the United Nations Security Council, North Korea became the eighth nation in human history to demonstrate the sweeping power of nuclear weaponry.

According to the Associated Press, despotic leader Kim Jong-Il responded to the successful detonation by remarking, “Hells yeah. You reporters go tell world they can eat our balls and buttocks. Somebody fetch my Metallica records — it’s party time in Pyongyang, bitches.”

And while Washington has yet to offer an official statement at the time of this report, it is rumored that President Bush is more offended by Jong-il’s insult than the test itself, which sent massive shockwaves throughout the Korea peninsula, registering at 4.2 on the Richter Scale according to the US Geological Survey.

“Why, that slanty son of a bitch,” Bush remarked privately to one of his close aids, who spoke with the National Nitwit under the auspices of complete anonymity. “Eat his ass and balls? Jigga what? Someone get me a dozen F-16s and his daughter’s home address. I hope they kept good dental records on the girl — it’s go-time.”

While insults will undoubtedly continue to fly in the coming days and weeks, the international community seems precariously disquieted by this escalation in both word and deed.

“This couldn’t come at a worse time for us,” bemoaned Russian president Vladmir V. Putin. “And by us, I mean the royal ‘us,’ because my fantasy football team is fucking 4-1 right now. My boy Peyton Manning can do no wrong. So much for the season. Now I have to like, lead and shit.”