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10/24/2006

Opinion: Children Should Be Banned from Public

A Guest Editorial by Seymour Lewis, Perpetual Bachelor

Lewis: Swinger, kid-hater, and all-around bag-o-douche

I have nothing against the human race. I love us. We’ve invented some great stuff, like silicone boobies and nacho cheese. If we ever meet aliens from way out in the cosmos, I bet they bow before our awesomeness.

But folks, this whole kid situation has gotten out of hand. Too long have the single minions of the world suffered the wailings of an unfed infant in their favorite movie theater. For too long we’ve had to shout our dinner conversations over the din of little Timmy at the local Applebee’s because he “DON’T WAN DIS GRILLCHEESE MAMA.”

So let me just say what is on every single person’s mind: children should be banned from the public sphere, no matter what repercussions come from the breeding community.

We could start simple; no kids around art. That means museums, theatres, concert halls, the Blockbuster Video down on Goddard Street, you get the idea. If there is valuable shit somewhere, keep those grubby-ass fingers covered in grape jelly out.

Yeah - boo-frigging-hoo, you cut your finger.

Next would be any place I’m getting my mack on. Restaurants, coffee shops, the back of a ’79 Nova, you get the picture. If I trip over another high chair while strutting through Starbucks to meet some fine filly, I’m gonna punch a kid in his medulla oblongata.

Finally, if these initial changes go over well, we could finish with government property. No fifth graders diligently studying in the local library, no parade of cracker spawn trailing their drunk-ass mother as she files into court to protest a DUI. And certainly no more mountain bikes with their little baby seats in the park—this bod breaks for no toddler.

If only we single folks could unite, we could reclaim our great country from these reckless parents. The American Dream is not about populating the planet; it’s about meaningless, animal sex that ends in a nasty cocktail of human fluids. Or a facial. Hey—it’s what our Founding Fathers wanted.

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