.comment-link {margin-left:.6em;}

10/24/2006

Opinion: Children Should Be Banned from Public

A Guest Editorial by Seymour Lewis, Perpetual Bachelor

Lewis: Swinger, kid-hater, and all-around bag-o-douche

I have nothing against the human race. I love us. We’ve invented some great stuff, like silicone boobies and nacho cheese. If we ever meet aliens from way out in the cosmos, I bet they bow before our awesomeness.

But folks, this whole kid situation has gotten out of hand. Too long have the single minions of the world suffered the wailings of an unfed infant in their favorite movie theater. For too long we’ve had to shout our dinner conversations over the din of little Timmy at the local Applebee’s because he “DON’T WAN DIS GRILLCHEESE MAMA.”

So let me just say what is on every single person’s mind: children should be banned from the public sphere, no matter what repercussions come from the breeding community.

We could start simple; no kids around art. That means museums, theatres, concert halls, the Blockbuster Video down on Goddard Street, you get the idea. If there is valuable shit somewhere, keep those grubby-ass fingers covered in grape jelly out.

Yeah - boo-frigging-hoo, you cut your finger.

Next would be any place I’m getting my mack on. Restaurants, coffee shops, the back of a ’79 Nova, you get the picture. If I trip over another high chair while strutting through Starbucks to meet some fine filly, I’m gonna punch a kid in his medulla oblongata.

Finally, if these initial changes go over well, we could finish with government property. No fifth graders diligently studying in the local library, no parade of cracker spawn trailing their drunk-ass mother as she files into court to protest a DUI. And certainly no more mountain bikes with their little baby seats in the park—this bod breaks for no toddler.

If only we single folks could unite, we could reclaim our great country from these reckless parents. The American Dream is not about populating the planet; it’s about meaningless, animal sex that ends in a nasty cocktail of human fluids. Or a facial. Hey—it’s what our Founding Fathers wanted.

Comments: Post a Comment



<< Home
Copyright 2007, National Nitwit ® . Unauthorized duplication prohibited, but feel free to link away. This is a satirical newspaper, and many of these stories are fictional. You have to guess which ones are faked. National Nitwit ® uses invented names in its stories, except when public figures are being satirized, or when we post a real story. Any other use of real names is accidental and coincidental. Subcomandante Bob once got jiggy with your mom, and she does things in bed that would shock you, dude. The content of this website is the property of National Nitwit ® and its authors, and may not be reprinted or retransmitted in whole or in part without the expressed written consent of the publisher. National Nitwit® is not designed for readers under 18 years of age. FAIR USE NOTICE: This site contains copyrighted material the use of which has not always been specifically authorized by the copyright owner. We are making such material available in our efforts to advance understanding of environmental, political, human rights, economic, democracy, scientific, and social justice issues, sustainable development, environmental, community and worker health, democracy, public disclosure, corporate accountability, and social justice issues, mostly because hot college women are also interested in the same issues. Go figure. Anyways, we believe this constitutes a "fair use" of any such copyrighted material as provided for in section 107 of the US Copyright Law. In accordance with Title 17 U.S.C. Section 107, the material on this site is distributed without fee or payment of any kind to those who have expressed a prior interest in receiving the included information for research and educational purposes, except when you are using it to get laid. If you wish to use copyrighted material from this site for purposes of your own that go beyond 'fair use', you must obtain permission from the copyright owner.

This page is powered by Blogger. Isn't yours?