National Nitwit

Left: Cutsie Band-Aid no help for a fractured talus

(Toledo, OH)The painful fall that Sarah Jacobs took last weekend resulted in a broken ankle for the 36-year-old Toledo resident, but husband Phil found a silver lining in this particular cloud.

"She had just signed us up for these gay-ass square dance classes," he laughed. "While I am sorry that Sarah is in a cast, I can now spend my Saturday afternoons watching football instead of listening to some dork call out 'Allemande Left' or some crap."

Jacobs said that he was "resistant" to his wife's desire to learn square dancing, but that he went along.

"I was hoping for some sort of divine intervention, and I'll be damned - I got one," he chuckled, scanning the sports page for game times. "With classes just a week away, I was beginning to sweat a little. What do they always say: 'God works on His own time." Yeah, that's a truism."

Left: Phil Jacobs simply cannot believe his good fortune

Jacobs said that he was at work when his wife first called him with the report of her injury.

"So I'm sitting at my desk, and this thought pops into my head while she's yapping and whining: 'No-square-dance-lessons,'" he said, stifling a guffaw. "I put her on hold for a second, set down the reciever, and screamed: 'YESSS!' My coworkers must have thought I was nuts, but at that moment I was the happiest man on the planet."

Jacobs said that he does not believe he is being insensitive to his wife's needs.

"Oh yeah - I'm doing a lot of waiting on her, no doubt," he said. "But that's a small price for what amounts to a complete redemption of my masculinity. How the hell would I have ever lived down the merciless ribbing I would have taken if I told [best friends] Dave and Josh I couldn't go to a Bengals game because I had to square dance? I'll tell you how - not at all. I'd just have to be dead inside, just dead."