National Nitwit

By Billy Pilgrim, National Nitwit Rogue Editor

Hussein imploring a hot, burqa-clad court clerk to join his “tit-fest”

(Baghdad, Iraq)—After a long and belabored trial that involved attorney assassinations, underhanded deals and backroom conspiracies, iconic dictator Saddam Hussein was finally found guilty on several counts of mass murder and sentenced to death.

However, it appears that Hussein’s legal maneuvering knows no bounds, since the convicted mass-murder has found a centuries-old loophole in Iraqi law that will allow him to bypass the traditional hanging and be put to death by “mammary suffocation.”

“If it be Allah’s will that I die as a martyr to the cause of Iraqi independence in the face of oppression and invasion, than let it be so,” Hussein proclaimed before an enraptured courtroom audience. “Now somebody get that Lindsay Lohan on the phone—I want to die with that bitch’s massive silicone jugs smacking me in the face.”

Hussein continued to outline his preferred departure from this mortal coil.

“Pam Anderson, Mariska Hargitay, Heidi Klum—I want ‘em all,” Hussein noted. “I want my last waking memory to be of nipple chaffing against nipple, so when I meet the prophets of the Lord I can tell them I wasted nothing. Except a few hundred Shiite civilians in Dujail. Those fuckers had to go.”

And while many of Hussein’s desired celebrities were not available for comment, Hollywood temptress Lindsay Lohan expressed her heart-felt contempt for Hussein’s proposal.

“There is no way I’m banging that black dude who runs the UN,” Lohan remarked while an underpaid Vietnamese girl painted her toenails. “Unless he like, joined the NFL. Then I’d only blow him. I have standards, you know.”