National Nitwit

By Billy Pilgrim, National Nitwit Rogue Editor

(Annapolis, MD)—Ousted Maryland Governor Robert Ehrlich, who has all but lost his bid for re-election to Democratic newcomer and Baltimore City mayor Martin O’Malley, announced his fervent refusal to concede victory or urinate until all provisional and absentee ballots are counted later this week.

Ehrlich’s apparent loss is part of a sweeping national sea change that has witnessed massive Republican losses in key gubernatorial races, not to mention nearly 30 seats lost to Democrats in the House of Representatives.

And while Governor Ehrlich is known as a man of heart-felt principle in the Old Line State, he has doctors and personal aides panic-stricken with his proclamation to “hold his whiz” for weeks, if necessary, for the official race results to come to light.

“Bob’s a great guy, Billy, but he’s had four cups of coffee since 5 a.m., and it’s gonna be days until those paper ballots are counted,” remarked campaign manager Bo Harmon. “He’s gonna rupture his urethra or something choking all that putrid piss back.”

Left: Ehrlich struggling to keep his bladder from bursting

For his part, Ehrlich remained firm in his commitment.

“Just as this great nation holds it breath on two entrenched senate races this bleak morning after Election Day, so too will I hold my urine until every Maryland vote is tallied,” Ehrlich winced before a dwindling, sleepy crowd at his campaign headquarters, his hands groping at his aching crotch. “If these kidneys rupture for the sake of democracy, then so be it.”