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11/18/2006

Michigan Fan Costs Team the Game with Illegal Trip to Bathroom

(Detroit, MI) Late in the second quarter of the Michigan-Ohio State game with OSU ahead 21-14, Wolverines fan Greg Polonia broke one of the cardinal rules of fandom.

"A-hole there got up with two minutes left in the half to take a shit," complained roommate Jake Hagerman. "You NEVER use the can while your team is on the field. That's what halftime and commercials are for."

The result was that the Buckeyes scored a quick TD right before the half, and Hagerman says that Polonia should take the blame.

"Everyone knows that bad things happen when a team's true fans are not watching the entire game," said Hagerman, throwing a half-empty beer can at the sulking Polonia. "Mr. "I-can't-hold-it-any-longer" gave the Fuckeyes a 14-point lead."

Left: It was more important for Polonia to sit in this room than to cheer on Michigan

The "Game of the Century," the first 1 vs. 2 matchup in this storied rivalry, was played a day after Michigan lost former coach Bo Schembechler. Hagerman said that he was "literally screaming" for Polonia to hurry his bathroom trip, but to no avail.

"If he could have just gotten his stupid ass out of the bathroom at the one-minute mark, maybe we could have held them to a field goal," he said, pounding the coffee table. "But no-o-o-o-o, not Little Miss Dainty Anus. What - did you douche in there, too? I swear to God I also heard him spraying the air freshener - Jesus Christ, dude, the national championship was on the line. What were you thinking?"

The Buckeyes will now play for the national championship for the second time since the 2002 season in Arizona on Jan. 8. As Polonia left to get some pizza, Hagerman turned to National Nitwit reporters.

"Tell you the truth? I think he did it on purpose," he whispered. "I think he just wanted to throw the game to Ohio State. I never did trust that shifty bastard."

Comments:
That is so true - I do not MOVE when the Cowboys are on TV. They need me, dude!
 
Typo alert! Typo alert! Typo alert!

"I never did trust that shifty bastard."

Should have read as:

"I never did trust that shitty bastard."

There, that's better!
 
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