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11/01/2006

Office Staff "Pissed" at Switch to No-Brand Coffee

Dejected office workers Left: Unhappy staff mourns yet another casualty of globalization

(Houston, TX) Workers at the main office of Alliance Professional Services (APS) expressed their discontent about the company's decision to switch to a lower cost coffee last month.

"First they screwed us out of our good health insurance and stick us with the crappy HMO. Then they jacked us out of getting Labor Day off," complained APS staffer Marc Kettering. "But trading our Maxwell House for this low-grade sludge? It's just too much."

Accounts payable clerk Sharon Gerhardt said that the savings did not justify the switch.

"I saw the goddamn invoice," she said to National Nitwit reporters about the generic java. "They are saving a measly $4 a case, which might add up to like $300 a year. After all the shit we put up with these cheap SOBs, you'd think they could leave a few things alone. You can bet I'll be swiping a few extra boxes of pens and a few reams of printer paper this month."

Left: Not good to the last drop

Company president David Borden defended the corporate move.

"To a certain extent it seems like cost-cutting and getting leaner, but let's face it - we face global challenges," he said, discretely hiding a Starbuck's latte. "We'd been on a roll and posted 12 straight quarters of profits, but the market changed, the competition is hot, and so we had to refocus. Besides - we left them the Cremora and the stir stick thingees. Most US corporations have cut those. I think I read that in Business Week."

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