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11/07/2006

Staffer Frustrated with Efforts to Get Out Agoraphobic Vote

Left: Ideological, but neurotic

(Boston, MA) Marc Jarvis, a worker for the gubernatorial campaign of Massachusetts Lieutenant Governor Kerry Healey, said that he and his coworkers have had "great dificulty" in getting agoraphobics to commit to a trip to the polls today.

"We get them on the phone, and they are all like: 'OK, pick me up at 9:30,' but when we get there they don't answer the door," he said, standing in the rain at a house in Beacon Hill. "And you know the person is in the house, because the curtains moved. What a waste of our time."

Jarvis said the campaign managers believed that agoraphobics would be an "ideal demographic."

"It makes sense - the whole terrorist angle has got to be of big concern to people who are afraid to leave their houses, right?" He queried, knocking again on the door of the woman he was supposed to drive to the polls. "But actually getting them out of the house? No fucking way, man."

Jarvis gives it his best shot, but agoraphobes are still resistant

One of the most frustrating aspects of the Healey campaign's "Get Out The 'Phobes" strategy, said Jarvis, has been the reluctance of these target voters to use the absentee ballot process.

"So I'm talking to this one lady, and I tell her to just pick up a ballot on a good day, like when she's doubled up on the Xanax or something," he said, shaking his head. "Then she tells me: 'Can you take the envelope to the mailbox for me?' Jesus Christ - it was a hell of a lot easier when all we had to do was buy off the homeless bums to go vote at the church near the shelter, and we didn't even have to drive those clowns."

Comments:
"Get Out The 'Phobes"

That is simply precious!
 
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