National Nitwit

By Billy Pilgrim, National Nitwit Rogue Editor

Foster rages against the machinery of laundry segregation

(Washington, D.C.)—DeWayne Foster has endured many forms of racism during his 32 years on this planet, yet he has always found the discrete prejudice of our nation’s capital “particularly ironic” during his short career as a postal clerk for the Washington Post.

However, nothing could prepare Foster for the overt bigotry he experienced earlier this week, when he switched laundromats and witnessed some of the most explicit discrimination he’s ever encountered.

“Look yo, before I even left, this Vietnamese bitch was separating the whites from the darks,” vented Foster as he paced a street corner near L’Enfant Plaza on his lunch break. “This is just another example of institutionalized, deeply entrenched…like, people being all whack and shit about the color of my motherfucking skin.”

Foster continued to rant as he dismissed the notion that this instance of “racial profiling” was in any way connected to the integrity of his clothing.

“Yeah, she tried to push her knowledge on me—‘black shirt stain white sock, Mr. DeWayne’—but I don’t buy that shit for a minute,” huffed Foster, growing increasingly incensed. “This ain’t about socks—this is about my people being brought to this country in goddamn chains. You hear me? Chains, man. I mean, if this slanty-eyed … fuckin’… if this bitch knew anything about what my people went through, she’d think twice before, you know, running her gums about her being colored, too.”

Left: Even the damned detergent is a product of segregationist ideology

Foster said that he is "sickened" with the direction in which the country is going.

"I did two tours in Iraq, and I come back here to this shit? I-don't-think-so," he railed at indifferent passersby. "George W. Bush - do you hear me? I did not get sent to the hot-ass desert to come back and be treated like a plantation slave. Let me tell you something - my momma never separated her whites and darks. No sir. She treated all her laundry the same."

Foster took a breath before continuing.

"And you can bet your cracker ass the Reverend Martin Luther King, Jr. did not get thrown in a Birmingham jail so that we could continue the evil of laundry segregation," he fumed. "It's time for change, people!"