National Nitwit

By Billy Pilgrim, National Nitwit Rogue Editor

Artist’s rendition of Inflation

(Washington, DC)—As Democratic leaders ride high on their sweeping midterm election victories, many Americans continue to live in stark fear—despite this political sea change—of a mysterious monster known as Inflation, which is rumored to sneak into the homes of working people, rob them blind, and fuck them wildly about the mouth and ass.

And while many on Capitol Hill continue to mount support for their proposed federal minimum wage hike, most are ignoring the real threat of Inflation, which is currently roaming through America’s inner cities unchecked and blindly fucking people to tears.

“It happened while I was driving home from my second job at the rubber plant, minding my own business,” remarked Tim Rogers, a Baltimore-area deliveryman who works nearly sixty hours a week to support his wife and daughter. “Next thing I know, this huge goddamn beast just carjacks me, steals my wallet, and fucks me in the ass. It had to be Inflation — it’s the only explanation.”

Left: The Rogers family before being fucked by Inflation

Sadly, Rogers is only one of millions left gaping and sore in Inflation’s wretched wake.

“I was takin’ out th’ trash when I heard him rumblin’ in the bushes,” muttered a tearful Betty Lewis, a 27-year veteran nurse in Birmingham’s public school system. “I tried to run back inside, but aft’r mah stroke, I’m not too fleet on mah feet. Then sure ‘nuff, Inflation had me weepin’ in the bushes, poundin’ away on mah ass.”

Only time will tell if a newly-elected Congress will take the battle against Inflation’s voracious savagery to the streets.

“Inflation is a soulless, bawdy creature, who has victimized more Americans than I can count,” boomed Maryland Representative and newly elected Democratic Majority Leader Steny Hoyer. “Will we slander it? Yes. Will we curse its horrid name? Certainly. Will we thwart it with concrete measures? Eh, maybe after lunch.”