National Nitwit

By Billy Pilgrim, National Nitiwt Rogue Editor

(State College, PA)—After accusations of racial discrimination rocked Penn State’s women’s basketball program last December, many administrators and faculty members desperately hoped that 2006 would be a year in which the university could rebuild its public image.

However, the recent appointment of a fortune cookie to head the school’s Asian Studies program has already outraged thousands of students, and is likely to create another public relations nightmare for the 150-year old institution.

“This is an outrageous, prejudicial slap-in-the-face to ethnic harmony in the academy,” remarked Dr. Fong-Tan Wu, Associate Professor of Physics. “Clearly, the cookie is incapable of leading without some good Moo Shu Pork. Ohh—or a plate of General Tso’s Chicken. That shit is da bomb.”

And while the cookie has yet to issue an official statement to the media concerning this controversy, many at Penn State have rallied to its defense.

“The cookie has a strong record, and I, for one, stand by its selection,” stated John McMurray, a former retiree and custodial arts specialist. “Back in ’78, I had one give me the best compliment of my life: ‘your love shall be everlasting.’ Such wisdom, my friend, can do no wrong.”