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Jersey Man Sets New Record for Multitasking in an Auto

Two dudes in a carLeft: Legendary skill

(Rochelle Park, NJ) Sources close to motorist Todd Langton said the New Jersey resident exhibited "world class dexterity" during a recent road trip up the Garden State Parkway, competing 147 distinct tasks in a five-minute span.

"Todd was definitely in a zone," said front seat passenger Kevin Zorn, of Hackensack. "I have never seen a human being simultaneously drive a car with one knee while eating a Whopper, hitting a joint, and answering his cell phone."

Among the "amazing feats" Langton performed during the stretch was fielding seven phone calls from estranged girlfriend Jessica Hillebrand, whose Acura the group of four young men had procured without expressed authorization.

"Jessie was, like, totally pissed, but Todd kept his cool and answered every call," said Zorn. "Meanwhile he managed open a beer and change the CD while finishing his shake and popping a couple of aspirins. The dude was just incredible."

Rolling a joint Left: Jeff Gordon couldn't pull this one, no sir

At one point Zorn said he considered "docking him a couple of points" for one questionable maneuver at the three-minute mark.

"When he sideswiped a guardrail while chugging the beer during Jessica's fourth call I was going to assess a 10-point penalty," admitted Zorn. "But the way he straightened the car out on two wheels with his knees while finishing his french fries was fucking divine. Todd is, indeed, the man."

You've obviously never had someone close to you DIE because of assholes like this.
It would be a joke, you anonymous loser. As such it contains humor geared toward making a point about society, and their inability to pull-off such a stunt.

In short, you humorless troll, by making a point to grossly exaggerate something, one reminds the rest of society that they shouldn't be trying anything remotely resembling this maneuver.

Finally, this is, indeed, the National Nit-wit! Apparently read and mis-understood by nit-wits everywhere. Get an education, buy a sense of humor, and borrow a vibrator from another nitwit so you can loosen up.
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