National Nitwit

Guest editorial by Frank Jurgens, expert driller

Been reading about all that Alaskan drilling, and I got to admit: I'd sure like to do some of that.

You see, I've never had an Eskimo woman, or, for that matter, an Eskimo man. I did eat an Eskimo pie before, but that was like an ice cream. No drilling.

Yes sir - I'd have a couple of drinks with Uqalik, Tiriaq, or Ujarak and we'd get down to some serious drilling. I'd prefer that they wear something like seal skin or whale blubber, but if they just want to get jiggy in the igloo, that'd be okay, too!

Just so long as I get to drill me an Eskimo.

I've pretty much had every type of human there is - black, white, Mexican, men, women, teenagers - even a couple of Canadians one weekend in Windsor.

But I've never had me an Eskimo.

If the snow blocks are a-rockin', don't come a-knockin', if you get my drift

Yeah, I know, it's kind of shallow for me to be sexually fixated on a person's heritage, but there's just something about eating walrus meat and seaweed that gets me hot.

So, this is my goal. I'll have to save up some money for a trip up to Eskimo-land, but I figure it'll be worth it to do some real Alaskan drilling.

After all, I figure all that cold has got to, you know, shrivel the old drill bits, if you know what I mean. A well-hung guy like me's gotta be a regular freak show, and you can just bet I'll have no difficulty finding reservoirs for the old vertical shaft.