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12/08/2006

Opinion: When Women Dig You, the World is Your Oyster

Guest editorial by Phil Swartz, marketing executive and lunch room regular

For many of you, getting a date can be a difficult task. I am here, however, to tell you that - when women throw themselves at you - life is good. I mean, really good.

Now, I'm not saying I can make you into a bitch magnet like me. Sorry - that's for one of those self-help book writers. No, I pretty much stand here as an inspiration, or as a testament to what life could be.

If you were me, that is.

I sleep with at least four different women per week, and have scored with as many as eleven babes in one weekend. Let's just say I speak their language, Kemo Sabe, and I know how to get a woman to say 'yes' to a roll in the sack.

And I am here to let you know about my conquests between 11:00 am and 1:00 pm every day, here in the company lunch room.

Sarah in accounts receivable? Let's just say that she knows how to post an entry, if you get me. And Lisa in customer service? Nibble on her earlobe and she turns into a sex-starved maniac, ripping your clothes off and going down on you in the copy room. Grrrrr!

Yep, I have bagged every babe in the company, at least twice. I'm always willing to overlook a bad first impression, especially if she's got a good set of assets. Remember Marisa, that hot 21-year-old intern from Philadelphia? Yes sir - nailed her four straight nights before I got bored with her. Gotta have some variety, you know?

Anyways, bud - keep it hanging low, and maybe someday you'll get lucky. Until then - see you tomorrow with more juicy details of my enviable love life.

What's that you say? eHarmony.com? No way, dude. That wasn't my profile. To be honest - chicks send me resumes. Got a stack of requests at home to bang the Philster. Must be some other middle-aged, receding-hairline guy named Phil.

One who women do not dig.

Comments:
And you reek of humbleness too Phil.
 
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