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12/11/2006

Person of Interest is Actually Pretty Dull

(Dallas, TX) A man named as a "person of interest" in a series of slayings in the 1990s says that he, in fact, is really "unremarkable."

"I have no idea why they find me so fucking interesting," said Marshall Sheehan, of Plano, as he wiped his blood-stained fingers on his work pants. "I work my ass off all day, drink a couple of beers while watching TV, then crash. Pretty lame life, if you ask me, but no one ever would, 'cuz I'm so totally unimportant."

The 35-year-old man is not being called a suspect, but investigators said based on some newly-uncovered information, they are taking the case in a new direction. Sheehan said that direction is "Nowheresville."

"Nothing at all worth looking at, at least if I'm the subject," he said, sliding a serrated bayonet under the front seat of his truck. "I'm about as dull as they come, unless you count disemboweling hookers and freezing their entrails for homemade haggis. The usual stuff."

Sheehan hopes to return to his "extrordinarily dull life" once the investigation is over, as he has a collection of severed index fingers he'd like to mount on his den wall.

"You just can't get shit done around here with these cops hanging around," he complained. "I swear to God I'm going to pack all this up and move out to the country, where neighbors aren't peeking out their windows at you all day. You know, the kind of place where a man can get some alone time, all by his boring self."

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