.comment-link {margin-left:.6em;}

12/11/2006

Person of Interest is Actually Pretty Dull

(Dallas, TX) A man named as a "person of interest" in a series of slayings in the 1990s says that he, in fact, is really "unremarkable."

"I have no idea why they find me so fucking interesting," said Marshall Sheehan, of Plano, as he wiped his blood-stained fingers on his work pants. "I work my ass off all day, drink a couple of beers while watching TV, then crash. Pretty lame life, if you ask me, but no one ever would, 'cuz I'm so totally unimportant."

The 35-year-old man is not being called a suspect, but investigators said based on some newly-uncovered information, they are taking the case in a new direction. Sheehan said that direction is "Nowheresville."

"Nothing at all worth looking at, at least if I'm the subject," he said, sliding a serrated bayonet under the front seat of his truck. "I'm about as dull as they come, unless you count disemboweling hookers and freezing their entrails for homemade haggis. The usual stuff."

Sheehan hopes to return to his "extrordinarily dull life" once the investigation is over, as he has a collection of severed index fingers he'd like to mount on his den wall.

"You just can't get shit done around here with these cops hanging around," he complained. "I swear to God I'm going to pack all this up and move out to the country, where neighbors aren't peeking out their windows at you all day. You know, the kind of place where a man can get some alone time, all by his boring self."

# posted by Subcomandante Bob : 4:47 PM
Comments: Post a Comment



<< Home
Copyright 2007, National Nitwit ® . Unauthorized duplication prohibited, but feel free to link away. This is a satirical newspaper, and many of these stories are fictional. You have to guess which ones are faked. National Nitwit ® uses invented names in its stories, except when public figures are being satirized, or when we post a real story. Any other use of real names is accidental and coincidental. Subcomandante Bob once got jiggy with your mom, and she does things in bed that would shock you, dude. The content of this website is the property of National Nitwit ® and its authors, and may not be reprinted or retransmitted in whole or in part without the expressed written consent of the publisher. National Nitwit® is not designed for readers under 18 years of age. FAIR USE NOTICE: This site contains copyrighted material the use of which has not always been specifically authorized by the copyright owner. We are making such material available in our efforts to advance understanding of environmental, political, human rights, economic, democracy, scientific, and social justice issues, sustainable development, environmental, community and worker health, democracy, public disclosure, corporate accountability, and social justice issues, mostly because hot college women are also interested in the same issues. Go figure. Anyways, we believe this constitutes a "fair use" of any such copyrighted material as provided for in section 107 of the US Copyright Law. In accordance with Title 17 U.S.C. Section 107, the material on this site is distributed without fee or payment of any kind to those who have expressed a prior interest in receiving the included information for research and educational purposes, except when you are using it to get laid. If you wish to use copyrighted material from this site for purposes of your own that go beyond 'fair use', you must obtain permission from the copyright owner.

This page is powered by Blogger. Isn't yours?