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1/11/2007

Hussein Enjoying His Job as Waiter in 7th Circle of Hell

By Billy Pilgrim, Toledo Tales Rogue Editor

Hussein warns a group of hungry Sodomites to wait their turn

(Hell)—Saddam Hussein, now commonly regarded as one of the most vicious dictators of the later 20th century, has ignored the swirl of punditry that has commenced since his state-ordered execution on December 30th.

Instead, Hussein is taking profound delight in his new “righteous gig” as head waiter in the 7th circle of Hell, a place reserved for those who have committed violent atrocities against God and their fellow persons.

“Man, I fucking love it down here,” Hussein remarked in an exclusive interview with the National Nitwit. “There are rivers of blood, writhing suicide victims—I mean, our bouncer is a Minotaur. How cool is that?”

And while Hussein has minimal experience in the food service industry, he seems to be a natural in his afterlife profession.

“I was a shoe-in for this job,” Hussein bragged while cleaning a table splattered with maple syrup and mangled limbs. “I mean, my only competition was Sinatra, whose been stuck as dishwasher for a couple of years, but he simply doesn’t have the finesse. It’s one thing to rinse some spaghetti off a plate—it’s something else entirely to tell nine angry corpses that we have a forty-minute wait list.”

Hussein’s new digs at Chez Hades

When prompted about his reputation back on earth, Hussein seemed dismissive about how history will record his terrestrial existence.

“You know, I’ve tried to put all that Butcher-of-Baghdad stuff behind me,” Hussein reflected after delivering entrees to one of his tables. “I’m dating this gorgeous undead harpie, and I can make enough tips in one weekend to last me all month. Besides, you get used to the flames after a while. They really add to the ambiance of the place.”

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