National Nitwit

(Malibu, CA) Investigators are trying to determine what caused a wildfire that roared through an exclusive seaside neighborhood near Malibu, California, destroying multi-million dollar homes and exposing actress Suzanne Somer's wrinkled visage to thousands of unprepared gawkers.

"We had firefighters crawling on their bellies, dragging hoses underneath decks to save these homes you still see standing,” said a fire department spokesperson. "But there was no way we could have anticipated the terror unleashed when Suzanne Somers appeared without makeup. These people may never recover from the psychological shocks they endured seeing her au natural."

Witnesses said that the emergence of the unkempt Somers sent some people into momentary panic.

"It's so windy out there, it's kind of scary," said Hector Villegas, an employee at Westie's Beach Cafe on Malibu Road. "Thousands of people running from the horror of that...that...gruesome face, small children being crushed, dogs howling - it's total chaos, dude."

Source of the terror was an unused makeup kit like this, burned up in the fire

Los Angeles County Fire Chief Michael Freeman announced the figure the day after the wind-driven blaze destroyed five homes and damaged six others, but the human toll caused by the unmasked Somers may be "years in assessing."

"This is a terrible tragedy that can affect anyone, anywhere, and with tragic consequences," he said, looking at the screaming mobs. "My hope is that no one else has to go through this experience. I just wish we'd had the choice. Ugh."

Labels: makeup, Malibu, Suzanne Somers