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Metal Band Wonders if a Chick in the Group Will Make Them Totally Gay

(Chicago, IL) Members of Disturbed, an American alternative metal band, gathered at a local pub to discuss the "crisis of identity" that has developed since lead singer David Draiman's new girlfriend started playing tambourine and singing during live shows.

Drummer Mike Wengren, finishing a Bud Light, said that he is against the permanent addition of 16-year-old Missy Perkins to the group.

"We made our mark with the brute force and murderous intelligence in songs like 'Down With the Sickness,'" he said. "Then we got this stupid preppie chick dancing around behind us. It's fucking sickening."

Bass player John Moyer concurred with his fellow rhytnmist's assessment of the state of the band with Missy joining.

"Shit, we're nothing but a bunch of queers now, like those Nickelback faggots," he grunted, crushing a Camel in the bar ashtray. "We might as well just start wearing pink shirts and rainbow bandanas. Fuck me."

New look for Disturbed?

Lead singer David Draiman defended Missy's contributions to the band.

"She brings a certain warmth and charisma that's hard to put into words, a serenity, a muted palette, a very loving way of handing the tambourine that I've never heard before," he said. "And there's this physicality and vulnerability to the role with her portrayal of gawky adolescence that connects with the crowd. That, plus she digs MMMMF fivesomes. That helps."

Disturbed is already a boarder line weak band as far as metal. This is a gimick that a local band would do to win a battle of the bands or something. These guys need to get ride of the chick unless she wants to go topless and Disturbed is willing to play strip clubes with her. Good luck faggots!
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