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Military to Enlist Serpents, Marsupials to Boost Troop Levels

By Billy Pilgrim, National Nitwit Rogue Editor

Sergeant Squirrel has a present for al-Qaeda

(Washington, D.C.)—Only days after announcing a massive surge in ground forces to quell the mounting civil war in Iraq, the Bush Administration has announced a new initiative to counter steadily decreasing support for the war here at home.

In a press conference early this morning, President Bush unveiled his ingenious “plan to reduce the human cost”: rather than recruiting recent high school graduates for the armed services, the military hopes to woo snakes, rodents, marsupials, and other “scary-looking” creatures to sustain the war on terror.

“I take full responsibility for the mistakes my administration has made in this noble campaign for Iraqi democracy,” Bush remarked to a roomful of media agents. “And Lord, there’s been a lot—the invasion, the car bombings, the shit-ass constitution—did you know it’s now legal to marry a fire hydrant? Anyway, the point is that these snakes, squirrels, and marmots are gonna change things for the better.”

Imagine the terror of finding a black scorpion in your keffiyeh

However, many animal rights activists feel that this move is nothing short of a calculated charade to sacrifice more innocent lives—human or otherwise—in an increasingly irresolvable conflict.

“Does not a king cobra feel? Does not a king cobra bleed?” remarked Mark Cohn, a D.C.-area spokesperson for PETA. “The president is in for a rude awakening when the first pictures come home of teenage mice and opossum busted open like cheep ravioli on the field of battle. This war will make petless widows of us all.”

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