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Nation's Dope Dealers Call for All-Metric Drug Deal System

(Omaha, NE) Speaking at an annual covention for street-level pharmaceutical representatives, an industry spokesperson called for an end to the "confusing and straight-up ignant" practice of using both English and metric weights and measures in transactions.

Gregory "G-man" Phllips exhorted the group to accept a committee resolution to adopt standard units of exchange.

"Listen up, y'all - it's flat out stupid to be using ounces and grams for the same damn product," he said, highlighting a PowerPoint presentation. "We risk losing credibility with our consumers, who form part of the movement upon which the long-term success of dopemen like us depends. Thus, we seek a balanced policy that is based on structured engagement, partnership and mutual trust, one that acknowledges standard measures, and one in which we don't jack someone who happens to be a stupid ass when it comes to the metric system. Yo."

Phllips said that the new system will benefit dealers as well as users.

"The time spent trying to convert kilos to pounds in a dark warehouse is time that could be better spent drinking Hennessey and getting blow jobs from crack whores," he said to a laughing audience. "You know what I'm talking about, y'all? Not to mention that nobody has a fucking calculator when you really need one, and you hate to have to trust your whacked-out heroin addict cousin just because he can guess every answer on Jeopardy while fucked up off his ass."

Miscalculated conversions on a kilo of Bolivian marching powder could be expensive

Not all convention attendeees, however, agreed with the call for unit standardization.

"It's always a half-ounce - and always will be a half-ounce - with my weed customers," grumbled Vance "Doc" Martin, of Minneapolis. "When some fucker calls me up asking for 'grams' of weed, I know right away he's probably a narc. Nobody talks like that except a fed, and this weird chemistry major at UMinn, but you can't understand anything that dude says when he's sniffing ether."

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You know, if you convert to grams (which nobody understands) you can get 3 or 4 half-ounces out of a bag.
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