National Nitwit

Left: President Bush giving Gates a set of rabbit ears at swearing-in ceremony

(Washington) Defense Secretary Robert Gates said, though he is a team player, the wedgie administered to him by Vice President Dick Cheney was "way over the line" of appropriate behavior.

In addition, said Gates, the "titty twisters" and "nut crushers" that he has received from fellow Cabinet members have interfered with his ability to manage the conflict in Iraq.

"The president has made it clear, the secretary of State has made it clear and I have made it clear, we are not planning for a war with Iran," he told National Nitwit reporters. "But there's going to be a fucking war in Washington if these pricks don't knock this juvenile shit off. Right fucking now."

Gates said he sees four different conflicts in Iraq, including the Sunni versus Shia sectarian violence in Baghdad, but does not see the large-scale fighting and the split in the government and the army that he would consider a part of an Iraqi civil war. He warned, though, that tensions in DC may bring about a new conflict.

"I'm deadly serious about all this," he said, taking off a 'Kick Me Hard' sign from the seat of his pants. "If these idiots keep this shit up, there's going to be a real war. And don't forget - I've got an almost unlimited supply of RPGs at my disposal."

Left: An example of the endless teasing Gates has had to endure as newest Cabinet member

Gates said that he hopes his period of initiation will end soon, before his working relationships deteriorate.

"I had a good meeting this morning at the White House with the president and General Petraeus and General Pace, discussing the situation in Iraq," he said. "Then, out of the blue, Petraeus sticks a whoopie cushion on my chair. Very fucking funny, ass face. I like a joke as much as the next guy, but these bastards don't know when to quit."

Labels: Defense, Iraq, Robert Gates