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3/27/2007

Israeli, Palestinian Leaders Agree on a Large Mushroom Pizza

(Jersusalem) Israeli and Palestinian leaders agreed yesterday to hold confidence-building talks every two weeks that would include the purchase of mushroom pizzas.

An official in Prime Minister Ehud Olmert's office, pausing to pull one of those stringy cheese gobs from his chin, made clear that substantive negotiations on statehood would not be on the agenda for now.

"The issues we discuss would be security, humanitarian aid, and whether or not to try anchovies," the official said. "I'm pretty sure that's an animal that does not chew its cud or have cloven feet."

The hope is the regular meetings and pizza-eating between the two leaders will lead to what US Secretary of State Condoleeza Rice said would be "two states living side by side in peace and security."

"The parties will also begin to discuss the development of an agreement whereby pizza delivery personnel could freely travel without fear of car bombs or getting detained at checkpoints," Rice said. "There's no way in hell you can get a decent pizza here in a half-hour when the pizza guy has an AK-47 to his head. And really - you want eat a cold pizza that some grubby border guard put his hands all over? Do you see any hand sinks in those border huts? I don't think so."

West Bank pizza would benefit from a peace plan

Rice it clear that the process had been complicated by the inclusion of Hamas in a recently formed Palestinian "unity government."

"The last two delivery guys got kidnapped and held for ransom," she complained, wiping a spot of sauce from her blouse. "And most pizza shops won't even deliver here because of these Hamas jokers. And, let's face it - I've seen some lousy tippers before, but these fuckers are so cheap they wash the paper plates when we're done eating."

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