.comment-link {margin-left:.6em;}

3/05/2007

K-9 Cop Takes Excessive Pride in Dog’s Heroism

By Billy Pilgrim, National Nitwit Rogue Editor

Bukowski and Scooter: Hetero Life Partners

(Chicago, IL) K-9 Unit officer Rowland Bukowski has enjoyed an impeccable seven-year stint with the Chicago Police Department, and has been a shining example of professionalism and courage to many new recruits.

However, a growing contingency of his fellow veterans are starting to wonder if Bukowski is taking excessive credit for the exploits of his dog, Scooter, who is assuredly the best on the force.

“That dog brought down a huge coke bust last month, but to hear Bukowski tell it, he did it single-handed in slow-mo with his shirt off,” huffed Sgt. Kevin Pank. “If I hear that goddamn story about him tackling a perp one more time, I’m gonna puke blood. That kid was barely 17, and so whacked out he could barely slur his name.”

Other officers shared Pank’s fastidious disparagement.

“Before Bukowski had Scooter, he had this other dog, named King,” explained Officer James Thompson. “King was about as smart as an inbred Mennonite snorting Ajax. Needless to say, Bukowski had one of the worst records on the force. Then boom — he gets Scooter, and all of a sudden he’s like Judge Dredd up in this bitch.”

Thompson paused before offering an iconic anecdote of Bukowski’s ineptitude.

“I never thought I’d have to say this on the record, but Bukowski wouldn’t be shit without that pooch,” bemoaned Thompson. “A few weeks ago we served backup on this vice bust—pretty nasty place over on the South Side. Shots were blazing all around, and where’s Bukowski? Quivering in a corner while Scooter wrestles all these bad guys to the ground; fuckin’ Bukowski left his gun in his cruiser. I don’t have to tell you who was on the evening news that night.”

Labels: , ,


Comments:
Poor Scooter, having to lug his own personal anchor around like that...
 
Post a Comment

Links to this post:

Create a Link



<< Home
Copyright 2007, National Nitwit ® . Unauthorized duplication prohibited, but feel free to link away. This is a satirical newspaper, and many of these stories are fictional. You have to guess which ones are faked. National Nitwit ® uses invented names in its stories, except when public figures are being satirized, or when we post a real story. Any other use of real names is accidental and coincidental. Subcomandante Bob once got jiggy with your mom, and she does things in bed that would shock you, dude. The content of this website is the property of National Nitwit ® and its authors, and may not be reprinted or retransmitted in whole or in part without the expressed written consent of the publisher. National Nitwit® is not designed for readers under 18 years of age. FAIR USE NOTICE: This site contains copyrighted material the use of which has not always been specifically authorized by the copyright owner. We are making such material available in our efforts to advance understanding of environmental, political, human rights, economic, democracy, scientific, and social justice issues, sustainable development, environmental, community and worker health, democracy, public disclosure, corporate accountability, and social justice issues, mostly because hot college women are also interested in the same issues. Go figure. Anyways, we believe this constitutes a "fair use" of any such copyrighted material as provided for in section 107 of the US Copyright Law. In accordance with Title 17 U.S.C. Section 107, the material on this site is distributed without fee or payment of any kind to those who have expressed a prior interest in receiving the included information for research and educational purposes, except when you are using it to get laid. If you wish to use copyrighted material from this site for purposes of your own that go beyond 'fair use', you must obtain permission from the copyright owner.

This page is powered by Blogger. Isn't yours?