National Nitwit

By Billy Pilgrim, National Nitwit Rogue Editor

Thomas: Crummy singer, crummier memory

(Los Angeles, CA)—B-list singer Rob Thomas, voice of disposable radio pop such as “Smooth” and “This is How a Heart Breaks,” suffered a massive lapse in memory earlier this morning when he strained to remember what shitty ‘90s band he had formerly fronted.

The irony, according to one source, is that Thomas’ California studio home is literally inundated with Matchbox Twenty trinkets, framed albums, and tour memorabilia, making this temporary amnesia even more bizarre.

“Dude, for the life of me, I can’t remember which one of those god-awful ass-bands I sang for,” Thomas whined while riffling through a stack of CDs. “Gin Blossoms? No, too gay. Blink 182? They were too punk for my range. Third Eye Blind? Fuck, that might have been it. I think we had a number in our name.”

Thomas attempted to defend his poor memory by citing his frantic, rock-and-roll lifestyle.

“You know, I did have a Heineken backstage once in ’98—I remember that clearly—so maybe all that booze like, fucked up my brain n’ stuff,” Thomas pondered. “I mean, have you ever seen one of those Heineken bottles? There’s twelve solid ounces of Dutch booze in there, my friend. Not for the faint of heart. Maybe it was the Counting Crows…those guys sucked pretty bad.”

Labels: Gin Blossoms, Rob Thomas, Smooth, Third Eye Blind, Three Doors Down