National Nitwit

By Billy Pilgrim, National Nitwit Rogue Editor

Artist’s rendition of Banks’ divine encounter

(Des Moines, IA)—Peter Banks, 27, has experimented with a vast array of psychedelic substances in recent years in hopes of unearthing the secrets of his existence. But after ingesting “mounds of pot and ‘shrooms,” Banks has been left wanting, unsure of his terrestrial purpose.

This all changed last night, however, when Banks took two hits of LSD and discovered God’s eternal love in a spam email.

“Man, I felt that shit come on like a tsunami around 9 o’clock,” Banks remarked while recuperating on his couch with some saltine crackers and bottled water. “But even still, with all my visions, I couldn’t reach a heightened state of serenity and understanding. So that’s when I decided to check my email.”

The rest, according to Banks, is history.

“As soon as I clicked on the icon, I knew God was speaking directly to me,” Banks intoned. “The sheer poetry of those words—‘shatterproof printout the hardcore tabernacle of the city disclosed lover why seek the boiled waif’—I knew the Lord was reaching out to my broken spirit. I fell to my knees and wept like one who had finally achieved unconditional forgiveness. And then I made some Bagel Bites, because after all that, my ass was like, fucking starving.”

Left: Email containing inspirational passage

Banks hopes to receive additional messages from heaven in the coming days and weeks, given his initial discovery.

“It’s been slow going today, since all my spam has said things like BOOBIE SUCKFEST and HOODIA MAKE LONG MILF BANG, so maybe God is taking the day off or something,” Banks considered. “At least I don’t think these are from God…that would be pretty messed up if they were.”

Labels: acid, acid trip, LSD, spam email