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4/05/2007

DNA Tests Rule Out Einstein as Father of Modern Science

By Billy Pilgrim, National Nitwit Rogue Editor

(Washington, DC)—A recent study by the Smithsonian Institute has leveled a shocking blow for the scientific community: Albert Einstein, arguably the 20th century’s greatest intellectual, did not, in fact, father modern science.

This revelation has not only called many of Einstein’s theories into question, but also his relationship with his progeny.

“I don’t know what to believe anymore,” said a frustrated Dr. John Bethlehem, one of the leading scholars who worked on the study. “We’ve accepted Einstein’s theory of relativity for decades, and now we find out he’s not our dad. We’ve been living in a house of lies.”

D.C.-area college students were devastated by the discovery, since many had been enthused by Einstein’s eccentric and colorful personality, and cited his passion for physics as their own chief inspiration.

“My mom gave me a poster of him when I took first place in a 5th grade science fair,” remarked a tearful Louise Brandy, a doctoral candidate at Georgetown University. “Ever since, I’ve wanted to walk in Einstein’s footsteps. But now, to learn he’s not even family? I want to burn every reference to gravitational lensing in this place.”

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