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4/06/2007

Jesus to Followers: “Ix-Nay On the Sunrise Services”

By Billy Pilgrim, a National Nitwit Exclusive Report

Jesus parties with His sheep buddies long into the night

(Heaven)—Though the American public has only endured one-fourth of 2007 thus far, it has been a year plagued by savage warfare in Iraq, dogged international conflicts, and entrenched political strife here at home. So it is a peculiar development indeed that this would be the year when the Lord God would intervene with his first real, confirmable utterance in nearly two millennia.

And in His rare official statement made earlier this morning, Jesus of Nazareth—who is widely regarded to be the Messiah, as well as the literal fulfillment of God’s covenant with humanity—pleaded with all followers to reconsider their widespread Easter tradition of sunrise religious services.

“I love thee deeply, and had hoped that truth and prayer would set ye free,” Christ remarked while reading from a floating scroll on his throne-in-the-clouds. “But the fact of the matter is that my ass was up until 4 a.m. playing Yahtzee with Joan of Arc and Jimi Hendrix, and this is like, a regular thing. If I have to endure another year of sunrise Easter services, I’m gonna get bitchy. And I’m talking Star Jones bitchy.”

And while many Christians fervently believe that the ritualistic sunrise ceremony is an apt encapsulation of Jesus’ dual triumphs over sin and death, the Son of Man has grown weary with the holiday’s hollow gestures.

“Look—I don’t drink, I don’t smoke, and I don’t screw around,” Jesus explained while eradicating a dire case of scurvy from an undisclosed peasant village in Thailand. “The only pleasure I have is sleeping in. And now Catholics and Protestants alike are electing to ruin that pleasure with their off-key psalms and weak-ass preaching. Don’t you people watch SNL? Or have sloppy animal sex after a long Saturday night at the bar? You know, I like, died for you guys. The least you could do is not worship me before 10 a.m.”

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