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New and Improved Doorbell for the Deaf Uses No Electric Shocks

Left: No more associating pain with arrival of guests

(New York) Breaking with traditional designs, a new doorbell for hearing-impaired homeowners makes use of flashing lights to alert of visitors, thus replacing the tried-and-true 48-volt shock systems currently in the homes of many deaf Americans.

"We are pleased to make available this breakthrough product to our audibly-challenged customers," said Mark Lincoln, CEO of Matrixx Products. "Wouldn't it be nice to be greeted with a friendly orange light instead of taking a searing, jaw-clenching surge of ten billion electrons through your body?"

Lincoln said that there are a "significant number of ancillary benefits" to the new system.

"Our deaf consumers will probably have an easier time getting their hair to lie flat," he said, demonstrating the device for National Nitwit reporters. "And I'd imagine that Devil's Night will no longer be twelve hours of a nightmarish, on-the-edge-of-your-seat hell, wondering if those bastard neighbor kids are going to sneak back up on your porch."

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