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Terminal Cancer Patient Scoffs at "Apple a Day" Advice

(Philadelphia, PA) Ed Womack said that he first heard the adage "an apple a day keeps the doctor away" as a young man growing up on his family's farm in Lancaster County.

"We had a goddamned apple orchard out back, and I ate apples until my gut hurt," he told National Nitwit reporters.

Unfortunately for Womack, apples apparently have little preventive properties against his glioblastoma, which is rapidly spreading through his brain.

"I've probably eaten over forty thousand apples in my life," he said, pausing to watch a nurse add morphine to his IV. "Yet I'm pretty much fucking the dog now. The next time I hear someone utter that imbecilic cliché, well, I'll probably not do very much, because the cancer's eating into my motor functions, and hell - it's probably already spread to the spinal cord and causing meningeal gliomatosis. In fact, I could probably not do very much at all, since I'm fucked up on morphine most of the day. So say whatever you want - I'll probably be dead anyways."

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Apple worms in the brain. . .


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