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America's Dogs Call for National Bestialist Database

(Washington, DC) Concerned about what they described as an "explosion" of bestiality cases nationwide, thousands of the nation's canines marched on Washington calling for the creation of a national database of bestiality practitioners.

National Organization for the Protection Of Kennel Expatriates (NOPOKE) spokesmutt "Trevor" discussed his group's aims.

"We must keep pooches and owners informed and engaged about the problem of animal sexual abuse," he said, sniffing the pantlegs of National Nitwit reporters. "With advances in technology, every citizen and law enforcement officer will be able to search the latest information for the identity and location of known bestialists, and they can then be rounded up and torn to shreds by Rottweilers."

Trevor decried the "hidden shame" many dogs feel after being abused.

"The saddest thing in America is the sight of an abused dog, hopes dashed, a spirit broken like a raw wound open and bleeding," he said, lifting his leg to urinate on a nearby shrub. "It happens all too often in homes across America today, and most dogs, frankly, don't speak English. So there Patches sits, hind-end and self-esteem hurting like hell, while the rest of the family thinks she's got worms or something. And the worst part? Patches blames herself. It's America's nasty secret, and we demand it ends now."

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